Whoa Z and x make the same sound
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
