he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
