Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
