Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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