No awkward lesbian experiences without me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
