I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
