Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Define "chronic" masturbator.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
