Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
