foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
