i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
