im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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