def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
