Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
