After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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