Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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