I wanna bring you to show and tell
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
