Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
