Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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