I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Im part way to drunk.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
