The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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