My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
