Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
