just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
