OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
