he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
