I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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