so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
