Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
