She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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