He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
