I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
