Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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