meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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