I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
