So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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