mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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