I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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