my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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