last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
