Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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