Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
