I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
