either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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