Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
