To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
