I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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