they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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