peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
