READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
