the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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