i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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